Stickers, mugs and desk mats for the people who get paged. Dry, specific, and written by someone who has actually been woken up at 3am to find out it was DNS.
It started as stickers. Then the jokes got too detailed to fit on a laptop lid, so now there are mugs and desk mats too.
The one-liners. Four categories, sorted by whose fault the outage was.
Six charts wrapped all the way round an 11oz mug. Each one is a real chart type saying something unflattering.
Reference sheets you can actually read at arm's length. Genuinely useful, which was the hard part.
Eighteen designs, grouped by whose fault it is. Kiss-cut vinyl, sized for a laptop lid or a water bottle.
3AM Page. Everything Is A P1. It's Always DNS. Schrödinger's Backup. Never Deploy On Friday.
Layer 8 Problem. Off And On Again. "It Doesn't Work". Is It Plugged In? Have You Pinged It?
Works On My Machine. Not A Bug It's A Feature. Git Blame Says It Was You. It Worked In Staging.
Who Touched The Firewall. Password Is On The Sticky Note. Sudo Make Me A Sandwich. Someone Else's Computer.
Every one is a real chart type, drawn properly, saying something the dashboard would never say out loud. Printed edge to edge round an 11oz mug, so the punchline arrives as you turn it.
Ninety days of status bars under a headline claiming four nines. Fifteen of the ninety are red. Small print: terms and conditions apply.
A seven-level flame graph with retryWithBackoff() stacked on top of itself. Reads as a profiler to anyone who has opened one, and as fire to everyone else.
Twenty-six weeks of commit activity as a heatmap. The two darkest bands on the whole chart are Saturday and Sunday.
The median holds a tidy line along the floor. The 99th percentile leaves the top of the chart eleven times in twenty-four hours, and the axis is not going to be widened for it.
Seven commit messages from a single six-hour stretch, decaying line by line from "implement user authentication" to "please". No headline. It doesn't need one.
A work week booked 97.7% solid, forty meetings butted up against each other, and exactly one fifteen-minute hole in it. The hole is outlined in red and labelled DEEP WORK.
All six mats are reference sheets first and a joke second. Type is sized to be read at arm's length without leaning in, and the details are current, which is the whole point of buying one instead of printing a PDF from 2014.
Permissions, systemd, and what to run when the box is sick. The octal table, the modes you actually use, and the journalctl flags you always have to look up.
Not a list of git commands. Every row is a situation you are already in, in plain English, with the command that gets you out of it underneath.
The full CIDR table from /8 to /32 with netmasks and host counts, the reserved ranges worth recognising on sight, and forty-four port numbers. For the moment someone says "it's a /29" and everyone else goes quiet.
The order you should have checked things in. Works up the stack one layer at a time, then a five-test fast path, so you stop skipping the step that turns out to be the answer.
Every response header worth sending, with the value to send rather than a description of it, plus the openssl and curl commands for finding out what you actually sent.
Every pod state mapped to what is actually wrong with it, the kubectl and docker commands that get used, and the container exit code table.
Every desk mat exists as a full reference page on this site. No email, no download gate, no catch. If the content is not useful to you, do not buy the mat. If it is, the mat is the version you never have to go looking for again.
df says the disk is full and du says it is empty. Why, and the one command that finds it.
reset moves the branch, revert adds a commit, restore only touches files. Confusing those three is how work disappears.
172.16.0.0/12 covers 172.16 through 172.31. Not 172.255. The most common subnetting mistake there is.
Severity is impact times reach. Urgency is how loudly someone is asking. They are not the same field.
The Common Name is dead. Browsers read subjectAltName and nothing else, which explains a lot of afternoons.
Deleting a pod on a Deployment gets you a new pod, not a fix. The controller just makes another one.
Real stickers, real mugs, real desk mats, real emotional damage. One tile per design.
P1Press is a one-person operation run by someone who spent thirty years in IT and the last decade of it inside a managed service provider, mostly on the receiving end of other people's outages.
Every joke here is one I have said out loud in a war room. None of it was focus-grouped. If a design needs explaining to you, you are not the target market, and honestly, good for you.
The mugs and the desk mats are drawn in code rather than dragged around in a design tool, which is why the charts on them hold up if you actually read the numbers. The desk mats get checked for contrast before they print, because a reference sheet you have to squint at is just a placemat.
Printed and shipped through a print-on-demand partner, which means no minimums, no garage full of vinyl, and no pressure to sell you something you don't want.
Browse the shop